The pain continues

Tonight's service was described as a Commemoration of All Souls, structured around Fauré's Requiem. I viewed the occasion as means of celebrating my father's life, little suspecting that it would be the most difficult sing of my life. I'd sung the work twice before and found it little more than all right, but this time completely underestimated the effect it would have on me.

The seven movements of the work were spread throughout the service, separated by prayers and readings. I found the Introitus - Kyrie surprisingly moving, struggling at times to sing through complete phrases, and sang the Offertorium with a new-found appreciation for the emotions of the words. Then came the names of the departed, a long list split into three sets, my father's name coming between the Sanctus and a Pie Jesu which had me in tears.

Things started to get tough with the Agnus Dei, a lump now firmly in my throat as the emotion really threatened to overwhelm me. I considered sitting out the Libera me and true enough, did find it very difficult keeping things together. By this stage I felt so miserable my head was down all the time during the readings and prayers, and while the concluding In Paradisum did raise my spirits a little, I eagerly took up one of the soprano's suggestions of a stiff drink after the service. I couldn't return home feeling so dejected.

The sloe gin I had at the pub wasn't a patch on my father's, but was an appropriate choice. Had I known how hard the service was to be, however, I'd've thought twice about singing tonight.